• What does friendship mean to you ?

Genuine care for another person without expectation.

 

•  Has it always meant the same throughout your life ?

It has evolved a lot, from times that friends meant everything to times I felt isolated, times with 1 great friend to times with 50 acquaintances, I think my notion of it has changed more than the actual setting.

 

• How old are you now ?

29

 

• Could you break down the evolution of your idea of friendship throughout different periods of your life ?

a) middle school / high school

b) university

c) first years of working life

d) the most recent stage of your life

 

Throughout my childhood and up to early twenties, I have always been closest to my brothers, but always had different friendship situations aside. As a child I remember mostly having a best friend at all times, and knowing everyone else in the classroom but really only ever feeling comfortable with that one person. Until I was around 10 I think. Then came the time of early high school groups. My best friends were now parts of a group and everything felt so much less intimate. It was really fun but did never really feel like I had someone there I could truly exchange with. I was quite comfortable in my loneliness. In High school , around 15, I started having best friends again, there was always 1 person I really cared for in my life. I did look up to those friends always, they had a quality to them that I admired and wanted to learn from. I had several because of the different locations and settings I was in, but generally only separated from them for relocation reasons. It was hard to keep those people very close to me without having them near in person. Friendship was always something I had a hard time sharing as I valued very honest and intimate relationships and never really cared for acquaintances. As high school goes though, I did meet so many people I now still care for, but weirdly still felt so lonely and detached in this more diluted friendship setting.

After meeting my now-wife, I think I really found the close friend I was looking for. Someone with whom I could truly be intimate and real, and try to make a sense of this world in which I had felt so confused, while bringing this comfort to one another. It has also enabled me to put less pressure on the relationships around me and made friendship feel like something I could treat much more casually. At this point, the friends that have stayed from every point in my life have had such different journeys. I'm really happy to realize today that most of those friends of earlier days have actually stayed friends as we never stopped caring for each other. It so often feels, as I see them 10 years apart, like we pick up right where we left off. It makes me so happy.

 

• Do you value more romantic relationships than friendships ? Or if you cannot answer this in a straightforward way, could you explain how these two play a role in your life ? Basically here you can write your thoughts on both. 

I don't think I value romantic relationships more as a whole, but I think it has been for me the way of finding and committing to the friendship I had been looking for, involving a higher level of intimacy and commitment. Friendship had always, before that point, been everything to me, including the friendship I have with my brothers.

 

• What is the definition of a good friend to you ?

Someone who I genuinely care for and expect nothing from, and vice versa

 

• Would you say that you are a good friend ?

I find it hard to not see myself through what I assume my friends expectations on our friendship are, so I always say I am not. I really care about my friends though, and do not expect anything from them, so I guess I could be.

 

• Has it always been the case ?

I always cared but have definitely been unfair to people I loved and valued as friends. As much as my idea of friendship has changed, my attitude towards it has.

 

• If not, what made you change ?

My vision of the world around me has evolved much more than the environment itself, it feels. I have put expectations on what a friendship should be, which has made me feel so loved at times, so lonely in others. My attitude has adjusted and it still is. I have to work to become a better friend, which I want to be.

 

• Would you say that the way you first saw friendship (its role, its purpose, i.e, what it meant) was influenced by how your parents - or your primary caregiver- interacted with their friends ? (Please do take a moment to think about it)

Definitely. My dad always alienated people around him as his expectations on their friendship were unrealistic and his commitment limited. I was very influenced by him as a child and I think it might have played on my intense idea of what friendships should be. My mum on the other hand is still very close with her childhood friend and is very good at keeping people in her life, and she becomes always more of an inspiration as I grow older.

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• How do you feel when you are with your close friends ? 

Understood, comfortable, simple - sometimes worried I need to be an enhanced version of myself to keep them, which I don’t love about myself but can’t help doing.

 

• Does it match the definition of friendship you mentioned in the first question ?

It seems I’m not that good at applying what I preach, but I’m working towards it :). Seeing it in writing will help!

 

• What are your thoughts on the notion of ‘efforts’ put in relationships in general ? And in friendship in particular ?

I think it depends on people but as for me, simple relationships are the ones that lasted in my life. When too much effort has been put in it puts pressure on the relationship. I guess that gets back to expectations.

 

• Here you can add any thoughts that you would like to share about this theme.

I had never thought about friendship as a whole , as something I can define for myself. I always saw it more as a case by case basis but this made me realize it is not. It is my behavior that will impact the relationships I have and not everybody else’s. This is an important point for me to remember.

 

When you were answering these questions, I bet you had specific people in mind. So please as soon as you are done answering these, tell your friends that you love them :) 

Love you Mistou 😘😘😘 thank you for this x