• What does friendship mean to you ?

Let me share with you the words that came to my mind when thinking about what friendship means to me: empathy, trust, good listener, honest, reliable, share fun and sad moments, concerned for the other, grow each other’s esteem and have your back. And the most important: no jealousy. I always want the BEST for them. Having said that, according to me, friendship can have many different definitions depending on who you have on top of your mind. I strongly believe that there are different levels of what I still consider friendship: first and second degree. It all depends on what you live(d) together and how comfortable you feel together. *First degree is the type of friendship I described above, someone you can count on at any time and who you want to share milestones of your life with. *Second degree friends are people who do not tick all the boxes above but who you love spending time with. These are people with whom you haven’t reached the maximum level of complicity and trust yet but who you can count on for a fun afternoon or to share good moments. However, when you will no longer live in the same city, will you stay in touch?

 

 

• Has it always meant the same throughout your life ?

No, it definitely did evolve and change with age. More details in the answer below.

 

 

• How old are you now ?

29 (yeah!! still!!!!)

 

 

• Could you break down the evolution of your idea of friendship throughout different periods of your life ?

a) middle school / high school

b) university

c) first years of working life

d) the most recent stage of your life

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Nursery school: friends are who you play games with, you do not look to build relationships - because you still are not aware of what this means at that age - but rather to have a good time. Actually, what you want is what the other person is playing with (a toy, a pencil, a chalk) rather than knowing who this specific person is. I believe – as many other children – I wasn’t people-oriented at that age but rather discovering the world we were living in and looking for toys. It is very interesting to think back because we might have built the basis of interaction with other human beings back then. About this specific life-stage I would like to add something. Coming from a small village we were only 12-13 kids born in 1993 and we would be in the same classroom during 9 years. I did not know that by that time but I met my lifelong childhood friends and I think that's beautiful. No matter what happens in life, if we see each other once every two years, if we have all chosen completely different profesional paths, we know we will always be there for one another.

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Middle and high school: this is the period when you start staying with who you get along with best. This is a tough period to go through as a teenager because what you look for is the approbation of other people within your school. Am I cool enough to be part of this group? Can I sit at this table for lunch? Are my clothes cool enough? Will I be elected as class representative? Thinking back, these were – personally speaking – not the best years of my life but they did build some traits of my character. Friendship back then was about centers of interests, somehow influenced by who you caregivers have relations with outside of school (if kids same age) with a clear distinction about female and male friendships. I recall it was difficult at that time to be friend with a boy without avoiding the school “rumors”.

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University and internships: the friends I met at the university built my future and influenced my choices, in a good way. You find yourself for the first time surrounded by people from all over the world who have made the same choices as you when it comes to what to study and where. There are many ways to meet friends at the University: *I like to compare the first one to the lottery. Let me illustrate by sharing an example. On your first day, you do not know anyone and there are more than 400 people sitting in the auditorium. Who you decide to sit next to might become one of the greatest friend of your life and you are not even conscious of that back then, you do have hundreds of possibilities. I think this is beautiful and this day, I won the lottery. *The second one is people you get along with in tutorial (smaller) classes. Quite quickly, because of common tasks and common objectives you get to sit and hang around with classmates who will become very good friends as well. *The last one is people you meet partying. To my experience these are people you spend great moments with from time to time but who do not remain in your life when time passes by. - First years of working: It is great, you have money for the first time in your life, you live in a different city and/or country and you get to visit your friends – or the other way round – whenever you are able to. At the same time, you meet people at work who will become your friends. From my point of view I started knowing myself a bit more during these years.

 

Now (couple of years working and getting closer to 30s): something very strange happens in this period of your life. Naturally, without looking for it, you internally review your priorities, the definition of what you expect from your relationships (friendship, family, love life) & kind of gently "clean up" your life. Speaking for myself I am slowly realizing how tough it is to maintain a good work-life balance, a good mental health, physical health, good results at work, a social life, meet new friends, keep-up the pace with other old good friends and all that in a 24h day. Suddenly, out of nothing – or out of unexpected events actually – you discover that few people you used to hang out with were not fitting anymore to what you expected from one another and slowly the friendship dies (4-5% of them in my case). You make new friends in your current environment, looking for people who are going through the same life-step than you, and this is making me realize that friendship is a never-ending story, luckily!

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• Do you value more romantic relationships than friendships ? Or if you cannot answer this in a straightforward way, could you explain how these two play a role in your life ? Basically here you can write your thoughts on both. 

 

Very good question, I believe I do not value more one than the other. Personally, both play a necessary role in my life and fulfill different needs. It is about finding the right balance. I actually expect different things from these two categories (love life & friends) but so do they from me I guess. Short comment: I think that depending on how advanced your romantic relationships are - e.g. if at the beginning of a love relationship or dating - the answer might be different. As for my case, even though I consider my boyfriend my best friend, he does not fulfill the role of a friend as such. Both roles are completing each other. I want to have from my friends their opinions on life-choices as much as I want to speak about skin care, about men, about books, about trips, about so many topics. Last but not least, about time: friendship might be forever, do hope so fore romantic relationships but we are all aware of divorce rate.

 

• What is the definition of a good friend to you ?

Someone that meets the criteria of question 1.

 

• Would you say that you are a good friend ?

This is actually a good question to ask to my friends. Am I? I would tend to say that I am in a way because I always put them first, thinking about their well-being and comfort and most important, I always want the best from them. Now, to answer this question I guess it depends on what each of them expect from me as a friend: time? moments? honesty? support? pieces of advice? compassion? deep conversations? If we speak about time, at the rhythm our lives go, putting it into perspectives, I could work on it to improve the situation as I would say I might not be the perfect friend in that sense. In other words, I think that I am a good friend most of the time, but not all the time. It shouldn’t be the case, I agree but I must admit I struggle to find time and energy sometimes after a long day at work. However I do believe that I am here when my friends need me.

 

• Has it always been the case ?

No, I believe the complexity now comes from the fact that we have friends all over the world that we do not see regularly. Before, in high-school or university for instance we were living with them, seeing them from 8h30 in the morning to 19h at night. We were there. We were together, physically. Now friends can be at 10.000km from you, which makes friendships harder but no less beautiful.

 

• If not, what made you change ?

Distance and non-stop life.

 

• Would you say that the way you first saw friendship (its role, its purpose, i.e, what it meant) was influenced by how your parents - or your primary caregiver- interacted with their friends ? (Please do take a moment to think about it)

In my case, definitely. Not so much in how we interact with the others but at least about two things: the place friends have in our hearts and how we interact with them. My family invites friends over, goes to friends houses. My family values friendship and I do recognize myself here.

 

• How do you feel when you are with your close friends ? 

When I am with close friends, I feel like myself. This is actually what make me realize who my closest friends are. I do not feel like there is a need to fill in the blanks in a conversation, I feel at ease, it feels good to be with them. I know they appreciate me for what I am, they know me by heart as much as I know them by heart.

 

• Does it match the definition of friendship you mentioned in the first question ?

Let's have a closer look about the definition I gave in question one: *empathy *trust *good listener *honest *reliable *share fun and sad moments *concerned for the other *grow each other’s esteem *have your back *no jealousy Yes it does, even though I realize that I do not expect the same thing (or same degree of intensity) from one friend to another. It depends on what everyone is ready to give and receive, and there is no issue. Each of them have a place in my heart.

 

• What are your thoughts on the notion of ‘efforts’ put in relationships in general ? And in friendship in particular ?

As the years go passing by, I tend to think that when it feels like too much effort this is not a good sign. How to make sure both side as doing as much for the other? There is a thin line that is rather dangerous here. Efforts yes, always: see your friends, take the time to call them, send a text. But too much effort, no. From my point of view it should rather be natural than seeing it as an effort.

 

When you were answering these questions, I bet you had specific people in mind. So please as soon as you are done answering these, tell your friends that you love them :) 

LOVE YOU!!!